Vacations and Sugar Cane

Q: Why do people only get 3 weeks vacation on average?

A: I have a better question for you. Why do you want to know? Is it because you have more than 3 weeks and you feel good when you have more vacation than other people? Or is it because you have less than 3 weeks and you're frustrated to the point of asking anyone why this is so? Or are you asking a random question just to ask it?

If it's because you have more than 3 weeks, I'd seriously seriously take stock in your life and think how it would be if you had to work every day of the year. My dad said he met a guy who worked cutting sugar cane six days a week for about $1 a day. That same guy never gets vacation. And if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. What about people like that? If you could put yourself in his shoes for even 1 day, I hope you would reconsider your questions about vacations and the like. Three weeks vacation for the sugar cane guy would be like 1,000 weeks to you.

If it's because you have less than 3 weeks and you're upset that you don't have enough, my dad said he met a guy who worked cutting sugar cane...

And if it's because you are just wondering, you should go cut sugar cane for a day, then you'd find other valuable questions to ask.

The moral of my story? Don't worry about how much vacation you get. No matter what, you're still getting a break. Next time you throw a sugar in your coffee or on your cereal, remember how hard someone worked to produce it for you.

And if you really want to get my drift, go cut sugar cane on your next full 3-week vacation.

SWEET!

No Purchase Necessary

Q: Do you play RUTR (Roll-Up-The-Rim)?

A: That's like asking an Eskimo if he eats seal fat. Who in Canada doesn't play RUTR?? You don't even need a paying job to play RUTR! You can snail-mail Tim Horton's, and they will mail you a cup absolutely free! For real. Click here and see # 2 - no purchase necessary to play. I know, only in Canada.

Exactly. Anyway, I don't need a paying job anyway because dad takes me there all the time, and I already won a free coffee - but GUESS who took that and didn't buy me a donut?? The SAME person tells me religiously that if I win the car on one of my cups, I won't get to keep the car until I turn 16 because I TECHNICALLY didn't pay for the cup. The SAME person says the brand spanking new Toyota Matrix will belong to the SAME person because THAT person is able to drive it.

Geez Louise...I wonder if I found $ on the ground and bought a personality would I keep it from them? No...I have a personality and they don't!! So I'd gladly give it to them without hesitation and tell them they can keep their shiny car and drive it until they only have their personality left, and then ask them WHO'S "TECHNICALLY" MORE GENEROUS NOW???

But it's just a stupid car. What do I really care? I'd rather a donut any day anyway. So yeah, I play RUTR. But do not confuse me with a consumer who's tricked into a fancy marketing scheme where gambling meets addiction. I play so that one day SOMEBODY would see their lack of personality and GIVE ME  a PRECIOUS CAR ALREADY!!!

2 TVs = What Again???

Q: What's the point of more than 1 TV in the house?

A: Um...that's like asking "what's the point of having both hands?" You see, if you took one of your hands away, you'd only be able to hang half as long off a razor-blade wire hanging 20,000 feet over a bucket of iodine. You'd really appreciate having another hand at a moment like that wouldn't you? Cause then you could relax a bit more. Well it's the same with 2 TVs. Here's why: Let's say mom (the razor-blade wire) came in the livingroom while you were watching Hanna Montana (your only hand), then she changed the channel because you were watching TV already for 5.5 hours - and you freak out at her because you're totally engrossed in the tube, so you don't even know she's talking to you until you see Hanna Montana change into Ellen Degeneres (you letting go of the wire).

You think "What the heck???" - and then you say "What the heck???" (in a kind-of-rude way, but just rude enough to make your mother flip out, but you think she's way overreacting) and your mother orders you outside to play in the snow (the bucket of iodine).

Now, tell me you don't think a second hand would come in handy when Ellen Degeneres appears on the scene. Does anybody besides mom get her sense of humor? Anyway, are you still reading this? If you are, you must be seriously trying to tie it all together in your head. Well you can't because your not 7 like me. Anyway, the whole entire point here is that only having 1 TV will leave you having to endure the pain of Ellen Degeneres, which is similar to falling in a bucket of iodine after you sliced your hands up and fell 20,000 feet.

GET IT???

You need at least 2 TVs so you never have to play in the snow. Sheesh...slow people. You want proof that you're slow? I said sliced your hand"s" up. You only sliced 1 hand up - DUH!!!

Keep It Real, Yo!

Q: Don't you just love bright red drinks?

A: Oh my goodness...someone's had waaaay too much sheltering. Bright red drinks? What do bright red drinks have to do with the price of tea in China? Like, seriously. For real? Bright red drinks?? You are not keeping it real, yo. Don't you watch American Idol EVER?? Randy Jackson would judge you right into reality if he heard you ask that question. Then you'd cry and he'd say, "What? I'm just keeping it real!!"

So I should save you some future humiliation and let you in on a little secret...come closer...shhhh...closer...there - perfect...NOBODY ON THE PLANET LOVES BRIGHT RED DRINKS - CAN YOU HEAR ME??? NODOBY!!! Asking someone if they love bright red drinks is like inviting them into your wacko oblivion that you're in. "Come, join us on this surreal planet where we sing la-la-la all day long and nobody ever dies and it rains lollipops and ice-cream everyday..."

If that didn't sound silly to you then I suppose I could acquire a taste for bright red...COME ON!!! Seriously!!!???

I think you need a reality check, so I'm going to give you one. You'll thank me after the psychotherapy is complete. You are in denial about almost everything - you're hiding behind bright red drinks to suppress the negative things that happen in the real world around us - I bet everything that you wear has flowers on it or plaid or thatches - you need to forget about bright red drinks and focus on building the shell that's underneath your fantasy blanket. Bright red drinks are for sissies!! You need to graduate from your bright red drinks soother to true coping skills.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm going to get a cream soda.

Moms, Hurricanes, and Hormones

Q: Why do kids always blame their mothers for all their problems? I think I’m a pretty good mom and hopefully we can get through the teenage years in one piece.

A: Do you want the Freudian answer or the 7 year old answer? If you want the Freudian answer, it's because parents are to blame for the way their kids turn out. And since "turning out" has it's problems (as well as successes), then parents are blamed psychologically by their kids even at a very young age. And being human, we tend to blame things on everybody else anyway. AND...since moms are typically the primary caregivers, kids tend to blame them more often because they're usually around to blame more often. And if you think you're getting blamed these days, just WAIT until your kids become teenagers. Think of a tornado in the middle of a hurricane that's in the middle of a typhoon, that's in the middle of a comet storm, that's in the middle of hormones and that time of the month, that's in the middle of your kitchen and living room. That's what your in for.

Now, if you want the 7 year old version, it's because kids are innocent and always right, and the world revolves around their very psyches because reason and accountability haven't developed quite yet, so there's really no capacity there to accept real blame. Sorry, that's more from a 39 year old. Here's the real 7 year old version: who else can I blame??? SOMEBODY has to take the heat!!!

Now, it seems as if the last part of your question is almost a plea for peace during the teenage years you are heading for. It seems as if you're almost begging your daughter or son to "go easy" on you. Well, since I'm 7 - if my mother asked me to go easy, I'd say no problem - I'll never treat her the way some girls treat their mothers on TV. But the girls on TV are older than me, so in all honesty, I couldn't make any promises! And if you're really my mom asking ME to go easy on you, then I'm going to take my get out of jail free card when I turn 14 because I can only hope for the best at 7 years old.

Good luck to all you mothers who are approaching teenage-hood. Take my advice - just help the poor sods through it. By the way, chances are you're probably doing a stellar job, but your kids won't realize the scope of your efforts until they have their own kids...and if you're lucky enough and stay involved with your kids...they might just even tell you someday.

Pennies are NOT for Pansies

Q: Why do old ladies always have the EXACT change at a checkout?

A: That's an easy one - it's because the store is not getting one red cent more of their money. They learned the value of money when Fred Flintstone was a baby. But they are old enough to have made it to an age where the customer is not always right. And they have learned that very well. So they count their pennies very carefully no matter what little girl is staring at them or rushing them with sighs and other loud, obvious noises, because it's THEIR money. It's not the stores yet until she passes it to the clerk. You couldn't drag that money out of her hands with wild horses even if she was DEAD.

It's not anyone's money actually - it's the old lady's, and she's probably saved those pennies during the great depression, which gives the pennies an even greater, more significant, more sentimental value than anything you or I will ever own. EVER. Like if we were all Hindus and reincarnated for the next 50,000,000 years and brought all our piggy bank money with us, our Barbie Dolls - unless you're way boring -, and fruit loops... old ladies would still count their 37 cents like gemologists (dad, you're an idiot) studies diamonds - very carefully and with excruciating precision. I don't even know why dad makes me include those big ridiculous words.

Anyway, the point is, old ladies will kill you if you take one penny or try to even count it for them. It's a death wish. The next time you see an old lady getting her change purse out, don't say to her, "Pennies are for pansies..." - she'll knock you straight into the next 50,000,000 years - AND she will keep your change.

Dylan Beiber Is My Brother

Q: What's all the fuss with Justin Beiber?

A: Justin who? No idea who you are talking about.

Just kidding. Who doesn't know him? I can't wait to go see his movie. Mom is taking me sometime - or else I'll make my teenage years absolutely horrible for her. Dad can't believe how many products have his picture on them. He said he's a mana-mana or something like that. Maybe it was fen-a-ma-na...I don't care really. Anyway, the B-man is really cool and all that, but my two brothers could out-do him on stage any day. Caleb can dance like a star and he performs all the time! He's even in hip-hop classes. My other brother Daryl, er - Dylan, is Justin Beiber's twin...see for yourself...

Told ya. He has a girlfriend too; she's really pretty. Now he's gonna kill me for telling everyone that. But what do I care - I'm a celebrity - we're untouchable. What's really cool about the B-man is that he's a nice guy and I hope his stardom doesn't make him act like my brother Dylan when he's winning at Modern Warfare (X-BOX). Two words: snob be.

So all-in-all, Justin's just a regular kid, an average person, a plain donut - nothing to get all butterfly-ish over.

That's why I have his picture on my door.