Why Boys Suck at Shopping

Q: Why do boyfriends pick out stupid gifts for girlfriends?

A: It's kind of like sending a grade 9er to operate on someone's brain. First of all, grade 9 boys know nothing about their own brains in the first place. How are they going to surgically operate on someone else's with precision? They don't even know what precision means. Imagine you yourself letting a grade 9er operate on your own brain - would you trust them? NO! Who knows what turnip truck you'd fall off of, right?

Well, the same can be said for boys picking out gifts for girls, they don't have the slightest clue what they're doing, wandering aimlessly in shopping malls, looking to get in and as fast as they can - nothing precise about that. And boys always pick gifts out that they would like to use themselves. What girl likes power drills? Or worthless gadgets like the Orb Mood-Detection Device. JEEPERS! It's NOT the thought that counts.

This is what guys look like when they're picking out presents...

OR...

Anyway, if you want to save yourself years of agony and disappointment, go to a store ahead of time, pick out your OWN present and send your boyfriend there later to pick it up for you. Otherwise, you'll have useless junk that will collect dust forever. Even archaeologists will throw it in the junk pile years from now when they dig it up again.

Guys do not know how to shop!!!

Reasons for NOT dating on Halloween

Reasons for NOT dating on Halloween:

1. Your date could possibly chain-saw your waiter in half. That wouldn't be good. I've never seen it done, but I'm sure it would be tricky to order desert after that.
2. Curfew is 8PM in most places. That's hardly enough time for a date. Yeah, let's go trick-or-treating at 6PM, finish at 7PM, and then drive to the movies and be back by 8. NO time for POPCORN!!!
3. What if your date is a Zombie? Zombies can completely get in the way of a good night out!! They usually want to eat your brains for starters. The good thing is, they are usually slow creatures that are easy to outrun, but in high numbers and in confined spaces they can be fatal. So stick to the mall if you date a zombie.
4. You have to share your candy. That's JUST NOT happening.
5. I wouldn't call ugly costumes conversation starters...
6. Your date might turn into a pumpkin. Wait, that's Cinderella. But it's thematic so get over it.
7. And lastly, never date on Halloween because the ghouls in the air completely eradicate the love that should be. LAME-O!!! Ick. Ick. Ick.

Junior High Arguments

Q: What's it like in junior and senior high school?

A: I have no idea. But my older brothers are in both and judging from the way they act, it must be like a ginormous circus. I imagine it to be a place where 500+ teenagers gather to stink up the hallways with their farts and laugh with food in their mouths all day long.

And if all students are like my brothers, then the teachers must be insane with frustration like my mother is when they don't pick anything up and they argue about everything on the planet. My dad sometimes walks halfway down the driveway coming home after work, hears the comotion, turns around, gets in the car and drives away again. Seriously my brothers argue about nothing when they pass each other in the hall. "What are you looking at?" "Nothing." "Yes you are." "No I'm not." "Mom." "Dad."

SERIOUSLY!! It's enough to make me use my Barbies as voodoo dolls. I want to go straight from grade 6 to Uvinersity.

Anyway back to school. I'm sure all junior and senior high students sit in class all day and use their cell phones and Facebook like my brothers do. I don't really know any more than that.

What IS it really like? Can someone enlighten me???

Whoopdy Stanley Doo!

Q: 

What do you think about the Stanley Cup coming to Cornwall?

A: The what? Stanley who? That's not really an interesting question. It's about the worst one yet, actually. That's like me asking you, "How about those plates of Mary's?"

Now what was the first thing that popped into your head when I asked that? I am betting it was, "Where's my tazer?" EXACTLY...right? I don't know anyone named Stanley, and even if I did, I'd have the absolute least interest in his cup coming to Cornwall. If he was bringing spy glasses or chocolate, then I'd care. But I don't, so Stanley and his cup can go to Tignish if they want to.

But I hear there's a hurricane coming and some guy from the NHL is bringing his trophy here tomorrow.

Royal Groceries

Q: What do you think of the Royal Wedding?

A: I think I just threw up in my mouth. Gasp...gag...ewwww, disgusting!

Oh, sorry, ...make way for the perfect, fairy-tale couple that behaves and waves in a very specific way, is lavished with luxury and riches beyond the common man's comprehension, and parades around on horses playing polo or attending galas and balls , whilst the rest of the world struggles with the reality of having to buy groceries.

Ew...there's that taste again.

Vacations and Sugar Cane

Q: Why do people only get 3 weeks vacation on average?

A: I have a better question for you. Why do you want to know? Is it because you have more than 3 weeks and you feel good when you have more vacation than other people? Or is it because you have less than 3 weeks and you're frustrated to the point of asking anyone why this is so? Or are you asking a random question just to ask it?

If it's because you have more than 3 weeks, I'd seriously seriously take stock in your life and think how it would be if you had to work every day of the year. My dad said he met a guy who worked cutting sugar cane six days a week for about $1 a day. That same guy never gets vacation. And if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. What about people like that? If you could put yourself in his shoes for even 1 day, I hope you would reconsider your questions about vacations and the like. Three weeks vacation for the sugar cane guy would be like 1,000 weeks to you.

If it's because you have less than 3 weeks and you're upset that you don't have enough, my dad said he met a guy who worked cutting sugar cane...

And if it's because you are just wondering, you should go cut sugar cane for a day, then you'd find other valuable questions to ask.

The moral of my story? Don't worry about how much vacation you get. No matter what, you're still getting a break. Next time you throw a sugar in your coffee or on your cereal, remember how hard someone worked to produce it for you.

And if you really want to get my drift, go cut sugar cane on your next full 3-week vacation.

SWEET!

No Purchase Necessary

Q: Do you play RUTR (Roll-Up-The-Rim)?

A: That's like asking an Eskimo if he eats seal fat. Who in Canada doesn't play RUTR?? You don't even need a paying job to play RUTR! You can snail-mail Tim Horton's, and they will mail you a cup absolutely free! For real. Click here and see # 2 - no purchase necessary to play. I know, only in Canada.

Exactly. Anyway, I don't need a paying job anyway because dad takes me there all the time, and I already won a free coffee - but GUESS who took that and didn't buy me a donut?? The SAME person tells me religiously that if I win the car on one of my cups, I won't get to keep the car until I turn 16 because I TECHNICALLY didn't pay for the cup. The SAME person says the brand spanking new Toyota Matrix will belong to the SAME person because THAT person is able to drive it.

Geez Louise...I wonder if I found $ on the ground and bought a personality would I keep it from them? No...I have a personality and they don't!! So I'd gladly give it to them without hesitation and tell them they can keep their shiny car and drive it until they only have their personality left, and then ask them WHO'S "TECHNICALLY" MORE GENEROUS NOW???

But it's just a stupid car. What do I really care? I'd rather a donut any day anyway. So yeah, I play RUTR. But do not confuse me with a consumer who's tricked into a fancy marketing scheme where gambling meets addiction. I play so that one day SOMEBODY would see their lack of personality and GIVE ME  a PRECIOUS CAR ALREADY!!!