Slow Slugs

Q: What do you think of slow drivers?

A: Hmmm...since I always sit in the back, and I can't see over the seats, how would I ever know that drivers are going slow? And for that matter...why would I even care? It's not like I have to be anywhere anytime soon. I'm 7. All I have to do is nothing that adults have to do. Oh no...I HAVE to be doing nothing RIGHT NOW. Mom...hurry up, can't you make the van go any faster??? Why are these people driving so SLOW!!! See, it's nothing like that for me, if someone's driving too slow, it impacts my life as much as slugs do. And they're disgusting, so whatever.

But mom, on the other hand, hates slow drivers. The van horn beeps, and dad beeps really loud so we can't hear mom, and we're being thrown too and fro, back and forth because she's ramming up the car's bumper, but dad says if she hits it it's her fault, so she slams on the brakes - it actually makes me sicker than slugs. But anyway, we always get where we're going. But I have no idea why dad beeps that loud - it REALLY makes mom angrier. Why does he do that???

When I grow up and get my license, I'll make sure that slow drivers feel okay about their speed. They're just people like me. But slugs will STILL be gross.

My Insane Tubing Parents

Do you like skiing?

Yeah I like skiing. But I don't like how it's spelled that's for sure. And I've never skied in my life. But you asked me if I like it. So in my limited knowledge, I'll say yes. We went tubing one time and that was fun though. Except for some reason, dad had to pretend that he liked me and was having fun every single time I asked him to pull me up the hill in the tube. What's the big deal? It's not like he's 40 yet. Sheesh. He and my uncle Dean kept hanging on to each other (when they reached the middle of the hill coming back up) for what seemed like dear life. I know they're brothers but that was a bit awkward I thought - and there were people everywhere. Uncle Dean kept saying, "Holy.......holy.......holy.......". Why would he pray at a ski hill? And dad kept saying something like, ".....Dean.....ahhhhh......Dean wait.....*gasp*......I can't...." Like spit it out already. Uncle Dean kept putting dad's hand on his chest saying, "feel that??..." I have no idea what they were doing - but they certainly weren't pushing me as fast as I wanted. And they looked ridiculous.

And mom was worse! She kept walking on the wrong trails, falling into the deep snow, wondering why every step she took kept getting deeper? Then she laughed so hard she nearly peed her pants. I was wondering why she was the only one like a deer in headlights, off to the side of all the runs looking like she was blindfolded and trying to pin a tail on a donkey or something.

Anyway, you had to see her.

Next time we go tubing, I'm taking some friends. At least I wouldn't have to look after THEM.

Here's a funny tubing video:

Mr. Fox...

Q: What time is it?

A: What time is it when? Now? Or now? Or NOW? Or what about now NOW? If I've got you confused you should have seen the look on my face when I read your question.

I'm thinking you just wanted to see if I'd answer it as a trick question. In that case, it's Miller time I guess. No idea what I just said, but I've heard that somewhere before :) Or maybe you asked me just to see what I'd come up with as an answer. In that case, click here and you'll see a whack of answers at the same time - that should satisfy your query in any locale. Or perhaps you asked me because you are stuck in the middle of the ocean with a Rogers Internet rocket stick, a laptop with 5 seconds of battery power left, and no watch - PLUS, your Windows clock is busted. Yeah, I think of everything I know. In that case, it's 6:58. But maybe you shouldn't care what time it is if you're stuck in the middle of the ocean. You know? Just helping you out a bit. Just sayin'. Now it's 6:59.

I have a question for you: What time is it not?

Restaurant- And Everything Else-Consultant

Q: What's your favorite restaurant?

A: Well whatever restaurant I put here will see their stocks rise because of the millions of hits I get on my website everyday! But my estimates may be a little off at my age so give or take a few Brazilians. Anyway, if you don't count McDonalds, Wendy's, Tim Hortons, Burger King, A&W, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Smitty's, East Side Marios, Don Cherry's (Moncton), that Pizza place in the Charlottetown Mall, or Pizza Delight, I would have to say my favorite restaurant is that place with the really good food. The one where the waitresses are really nice and your food comes in a jiffy, and it's always the perfect temperature, and kittens and puppies have their own tables.

I'll leave you all hanging and let you figure out which one it is. Or, you can just leave a comment and tell me what your favorite restaurant is. But I will tell you that no matter what restaurant my family eats at, dad says it always turns into a fiasco. What's a fiasco? IS that like a Canadian word, like Tabasco?

Anyway, the other night we went to a place called Pat and Willys. Can someone please tell me how such a boring name got picked for a restaurant? I'm trying to picture the excitement around the table when the owners slammed their hands down on the table with big smiles on their faces exclaiming, "From this day forward our awesome eating establishment will be named after a generic name and a name that rhymes with silly!" If I was at that table, that name would not have gone down in history. My 3 brothers INDIVIDUALLY could come up with better names - except for Dylan because he'd likely choose a name with the word hockey in it and that's just Willy!

But seriously...Pat? Willy? It's like the two worst words to put together. Why not choose something that will bring people in by the hoards??? Like how about "Alyssa Li's Most Awesome Restaurant, So Good In Fact That You'll Actually Love Your Kids More When You Leave!!"

Think about all the great visions in mom's and dad's heads before they go out to eat and how they dream that THIS will be the perfect family outing. But they end up driving home after the fact with grounded kids because DYLAN was a word that rhymes with poof wall for the entire supper!! Anyway, my point is, if you name it the right way, people will come in droves searching for the perfect experience.

Someday I am going to be a consultant. What do you think?

Hockey Aliens

Q: Why do people get so worked up at hockey games?

A: That's good question. Hockey is definitely a culture in and of itself. As soon as you step through the rink doors, it's like aliens take over your body and you become someone who normally wouldn't yell at someone but can't resist screaming at a referee for a bad call he makes on your son or your friends son or the son of someone on the other team in a totally different rink. If you think about it, it's the one place that 2 guys can wallop the snot out of each other and a police officer can be standing 2 feet away from them and still be cheering them on.

One guy can get rammed head-first into the boards, be down for like 2 minutes, and when he stops crying long enough to just stand up, everyone in the rink cheers and claps as a way of saying, "yeah, way to be, good for you for being a good sport and standing up without vomiting first, I think I'll bang my stick on the boards to salute you even though I just punched the crap out of your teammate..." It's like why do people sing the national anthem and get all gushy and patriotic and moved and then yell "game on" and say "you're going down suckers!"?? And they watch players smash other players over benches, into glass, boards, other players, etc. Isn't that kind of like ancient Roman times? Or some kind of Barbarianism? What does that word mean anyway? Dad just told me it fits in this context. Oh yeah, that helps dad. Context.

Anyway, back to hockey. I saw a guy buying a hockey stick one day at SportChek and he was standing there for like 20 minutes with the same stick looking up and down the blade and the handle part as if he was forecasting every awesome play he would make and what angle he had to have the stick to make his 500th NHL goal. Hello??? It's a piece of WOOD. And why does hockey have to be so calculated? By that I mean, people actually WANT to let aliens take them over when they go into the rink - they are actually looking forward to the circus event. And then there are the guys in the stands in huge rinks that yell so hard that their arteries harden...the players CAN'T HEAR YOU. If you take away the stands, the ice, the rink, and the people, and you put you in a library or a church, or a funeral, you'd look hilarious.

I just don't get it. But I think people get so worked up in hockey games because that's why hockey was invented - it's a place to legally get your frustrations out. What's the worse thing that can happen? A referee points to the door and you walk out of it. Oooooooooh. Scary.

This video says it all...

Brussel Sprouts and Cereal

Q: What's Your Favorite Meal?

A: That's a tough one. And my mom's equally torn about this. See, I'm a really fussy eater. I mostly like cereal, fruit loops, or breakfast food the best. Anything after that is stuff mom makes that we all have to learn to like the taste of (dad tells me not to end sentences with "of" but this sentence just begs for it). Anyway, one of my brothers is way worse than me - he's labeled as a fussy eater in our house. And I think when mom asks everyone what they want for supper, he strategically picks his favorite choices based on what everyone else says; meaning that if everyone says they want tacos, he will say he doesn't like tacos.

I KNOW he does it on purpose too, and it drives mom up the wall, across the ceiling, and sometimes right out of the kitchen. But she's getting smarter about it because sometimes he ends up eating a bowl of cereal because mom tells him she's not making 6 different suppers, so "make your own supper!"

One thing I don't understand though is why I have to help clean up after meal times? I was getting away without having to do it for sooo long. Now all of a sudden, dad includes ME in the lineup to help cleanup the WHOLE kitchen. I don't understand why he asks me every night now too. It's not like I didn't JUST do it the night before. And I told him that, but what does he say? He tells me that mom shouldn't have to cook supper tonight because she just cooked LAST NIGHT too then. Fine with me, I'd rather eat cereal anyway! And another thing, when we all sit down to eat, if the cutlery (yeah, I said cutlery...what'd ya think I was going to say? Silverware? That's not even a modern word. And utensils is something my grandfather would say.) is not on the table, I'll always get some for everyone - but my brothers will only get one for themselves!!! What's the deal? How hard is it to turn your head to the right to check if anyone else needs a fork? And why, after dad reminds them about this, do they continue to forget??? Honestly! Deer in headlights.

Anyway, whatever. Why does it even make me so upset? Someday I'd like to see us all eat chips for a whole day, then I could go from dusk 'til dawn without listening to anyone argue about silly things like forks and brussel sprouts.

And now for something completely different:

Dance Central

Q: What do you think of the XBOX 360 Kinect?

A: This is a question to myself! For those of you who don't know, the Kinect is an XBOX add-on that lets you interact with the XBOX without using a controller. So the unit scans you and you play by waving your arms/legs, etc. Talk about cool! Anyway, there's a game called Dance Central that lets you follow dancers on the screen with different skill levels. Anyway, my dad danced and did a pretty okay job. I just watched because I didn't want my parents to feel inadequate. But anyway, my dad tried it and it was funny watching his gut bounce all over the place - and he was only on "easy". But then my mom (god rest her soul) gets up and someone puts it on "medium". If I could only show you on paper what transpired during her 30 second dance. I possibly cannot.

But this video comes close to what I saw my parents do:

Enough said :)