Dreaming of an Artificial Christmas

Q: What are your thoughts on christmas trees?

A: What's with the Christmas questions? Sheesh. Well, my thoughts on Christmas trees are all well and good if you're not the kind of person that puts their Christmas tree up on November 11TH!! My mom's friend puts her tree up so early in the year, her husband is still cutting the grass!!

My mom and dad put the tree up yesterday, and they were both saying how they ALREADY can't wait to get the tree out of the house. But this year is different, dad says, because he bought an artificial tree from Costco. He was so excited, he was telling mom about all the good reasons to have a "fake" tree (as he kept calling it): no mess, no water, no chopping, no freezing when picking it out, no hassle with strapping it to the van, etc. The tree even came pre-lit! It's his personal Christmas miracle. But do you think mom would give him the satisfaction and let Christmas go by without a traditional tree fight?

It's always been a riot watching mom and dad put up the tree in the past. Dad hauls the tree in, places it in his gazillion dollar tree stand that he thought would last forever but is already missing most of its parts, and mom stands back and tells him which screw to tighten so the tree straightens the right way while dad's upside down trying to twist the bent screws and mom's yelling at the boys who are singing Alvin and the Chipmunk Christmas songs WAY too loudly while they are supposed to be getting the ornaments ready for the tree and dad's trying with all his might not to crank at mom who is much too fussy about tree straightness but her back feels just fine all the while.

Anyway, by the time they get the tree standing still, my brothers are already off to college and MY hair is going gray. Then mom, like a sweet kindergarten teacher, tells all the kids to get all the ornaments on the tree. Now if you know my mom at all, you know that she likes order. So why then, lord of Christmas trees, does she ask 3 numbskull boys to hang breakable Christmas ornaments on a crooked tree? Holy Christmas - she's nuts. Guess what happens? My youngest brother hangs half of them at his level (he's a bit short) before mom finally notices, while the other 2 boys are still singing like ridiculous chipmunks who can't place an ornament in the right place if you pay them $1,000,000 dollars to save their useless lives. You should see them right about now...they're laughing so hard they're almost peeing their pants, and Dad's STILL laying on the floor trying to get the tree straight while mom's working herself into a lather of anger because her vision of stockings being hung by the chimney with care have totally been wrecked by a husband that can't do the 1 job that she asked him to and she has 3 singing baboons that are too stunned to pick up on her emotional instability!!!

Right about now I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones that that old guy sings about in that old slow Christmas song that my uncle Dean always plays to death. I bet that old guy never had a fake tree in his fake life.

By the way, if you ever want to know what it's like to see tension so thick you can't even cut it, come to my house when dad's trying to convince mom that the fake tree he bought is the answer to their Christmas depression forever - but mom's biting her lip and tongue as she tries to spread the 7,034 brand new branches apart because they've been packed tightly for shipping. Run for your artificial life dad.

I have no idea why someone thought that putting a tree (that belongs outside) in your living room and throwing random stuff on it would make memories and wonderful pictures for years to come.

I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with shmidiot.