Question from Martin

Q: Alyssa, who is afraid of the big bad wolf?

A: It's all relevant, really, Martin. How big is this big bad wolf? Is he or she big or little? If it's a mini-sized big bad wolf, my brother Evan could easily take the wolf out. He's a kungfu master. If he's a bigger wolf, my mother can take it on; she's awesome at clawing people's eyes out dad says.

Also, are you using "big bad wolf" literally or figuratively? If your using it literally, I'll have to ask the 6+ billion people in the world and get back to you (minus yourself, so that will save me some time). Actually, now that I think of it, ARE you afraid of the wolf? Why or whynot? There, 6+ billion to go. If you are using the phrase figuratively, I am assuming you mean the dentist. In this case, I am afraid of the big bad wolf. But perhaps you mean your mother-in-law? If that's the case, I hope she doesn't read this because then you'll be afraid of the big bad wolf.

But seriously, you needn't worry in any case if you have an oozi 9mm with a 40 watt range.

But I am only 5 years old, so don't take me literally.

Question from the Internet

Q: What were the top ten christmas gifts for 2008?

A: Here are the top 10 Christmas gifts for 2008:

1. Digital Camera
2. Nintendo Wii
3. Apple iPod Touch
4. Caster Board
5. Apple iPhone
6. Universal Remote
7. Hannah Montana Toys
8. Lamaze Toys
9. Robot Dog
10. LCD TV

Question from Sally

Q: Alyssa Li, what can people do to help poverty?

A: This is really easy; but for some reason, the whole world has a problem with it. Look at it this way: If I was at the park and wanted an ice-cream cone, I'd ask my dad to buy me one. He'd buy it for me because he loves me. If I saw someone who wanted some of my ice-cream, I'd ask dad to buy them one too, and I think he would if he had enough money. Otherwise, I'd buy it myself if I had my own money. That's called sharing. S-H-A-R-I-N-G. I have more of something than someone else, so I give them some so they can have some too. Sounds easy right? Well, for some weird reason, planet earth has some issues with this concept. For instance, I saw a commercial once about a little girl named Maria who had to climb through a garbage dump to look for scraps of food to eat. She looked like she could really use an ice-cream. If I was there, I would have given her one. I think I'd even invite her to my house to play with my Barbie dolls.

But the problem is that too many people don't want to share. They want to gather as much stuff for themselves as they can. And they turn their face away from all the little Marias in the world who could really use an ice-cream cone.

My mom is really good at helping people; she's a living example of how people should share with each other. For example, this Christmas she heard about a family in my brother's school who needed presents really really bad. So she went out and bought a TON of stuff and when she took it to the school, the guidance counsellor cried. She cried because my mom wanted to share so much. But my dad freaked when he saw all the stuff on the table, because he was worried that his own kids would not get as much. But mom chewed him out and he finally agreed with her in the end. Baby steps dad :) He is getting better! And that's what everyone else needs to do too. Stop freaking out about the stuff that you might lose if you share it with someone who really needs an ice-cream.

Little Maria...if you ever read this, I hope someone has found you and bought you an ice-cream by now. It looked really hot where you live.

Alyssa Li

Question from Santa Claus

Q: Alyssa, what would you like for Christmas?

A: OK, let me start by saying if this is not really Santa, I'm going to find you and rip all your Barbie doll heads off--whoever you are. Why would you ever write a 5-year old and ask such a thing? Do you know that my stomach hit the floor when I saw the name Santa Claus? I was excited that he really wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas. You should be dragged behind Santa's sleigh through tacks and acid. I almost fell for it too. But I'm on to you. Gee, Santa, give me all the candy in the world and throw in a few zillion dollars while you're at it. Mmmm, whatever. No, actually, give me world peace. And I want a puppy and my own dance school. Hey, here's a question: Santa what do you want for Christmas? How about a razor?!

Give me a break. Is this uncle Dean?

(PS: if it's really you, Santa, I want some Barbies)

Question from Nana

Q: What is the BEST Christmas present you could ever get, at the ripe old age of 5?

A: Well, since my dad is helping me write this, I would have to say a 52" Samsung LCD High Definition Television. One would think that this 5 year old might choose Barbie Dolls or other girly things (get me dolls for Christmas), but no way; I'm a liquid crystal display enthusiast all the way (get me dolls for Christmas). There is nothing better than watching a movie in my own home on a 52" TV (get me dolls for Christmas). Or have you ever played the Nintendo Wii on a 52"? (get me dolls for Christmas) It's AMAZING! Such fun! (get me dolls for Christmas). Anyway, thanks for the brilliant question (get me dolls for Christmas)!

Peace out sisterhood! (GET ME DOLLS FOR CHRISTMAS).

Question from Ronalda

Q: Alyssa, how do you manage to stay sane with three 3 older brothers?

A: Ronalda,
I get the feeling that you've been through the mill; you've either had many siblings or you've had many children. But either way, you need to know, right?

So here's the deal:

Having 3 older brothers is like getting brain surgery: you could do it yourself, but I wouldn't recommend it. You definitely need some help. It depends on your circumstances, but here's what I do. Boys are mostly physical right? Everything is solved by a punch in the face. Since I don't want a punch in the face, I deal with things on a more intellectual level.

If I am dealing with one brother, I use his other brothers against him. If this does not work, I call in the big guns - my parents. This is tricky, but if you are careful enough (especially with dad), you can use your little girl charm to convince them that your brother is causing you much grief in life and must be dealt with accordingly. But be careful because your brothers might be on a sugar high or something and actually have a clue what you are up to (this is rare, but be careful nonetheless).

In general terms, however, the key to staying sane lies in your ability to filter life's situations. Ever hear of the phrase, "water off a duck's back?" In other words, don't sweat the things that have a tendency to drive you insane! Take the "whatever" attitude. Don't let it bother you. I look around at many people who have remained sane despite tons of older brothers...and I learn from them. If they can survive, so can I. Every day is a new day, with new opportunities to remain sane.

But the truth is: your older brothers will always be your older brothers, no matter how old you get. Someday they will actually grow up and you will be a pro at staying sane by that point, so hanging in there is also key.

Otherwise, just punch your brothers in the face :)

Question from Karen

Q: How would you suggest that I handle those annoying telemarketers on the telephone?

A: Karen, first off I would suggest that before they even get a chance to sell you anything, ask them for their home telephone number. If they decline to give it to you, tell them you have an unbeatable proposal for them and that you'll call them when they get home. If they still decline, tell them they won't get an offer like it anywhere else. If they still decline, start asking them questions about the weather, where they live and how many kids they have; also what are their names and ages? If they hang up on you, then they weren't worth your time; don't take it personally, Karen. If they stay on the line and still try to sell you something, then hear them out for a minute. After that talk REALLY slow (like so slow even you get annoyed by it). Eventually, they will hang up; I've tried this myself.

Another thing you can do when they first call is put the phone down and go do something else. Or try placing a CD player beside the phone and play some seriously depressing elevator music and then go do something else. You can also try repeating everything they say, this would drive me NUTS and will likely cause the same result with them. My dad always just hangs up on them, but that is no fun. If they are going to come into your home via the telephone without an invitation, then you've got the right to react however you wish! It's Canada!

Failing all of this, Karen, you can register your # on the National Do Not Call List (https://www.lnnte-dncl.gc.ca/insnum-regnum-eng).

Good luck, Karen!

Question from Dean

Q: Why does E=MC (squared)?

A: Dean, I have a question for you: why does anything equal MC (squared)? Why does anything equal anything, really? E=MC (squared) because Einstein said it does! The question is: do you believe him? Why or why not? But more importantly, why do uncles ask such easy questions to their 4-year old nieces?

Specifically, E=MC (squared) means that Energy is equal to Mass times the speed of light squared. In essence, it states that there is an equivalence between mass and energy.

If you'd like to know more about the science of energy and mass, ask my younger brother...he's got tons of energy when we go to mass.

Question from Beatrice

Q: My 2 sons (4 and 6 years old) are always at each other; arguing, telling on each other, hitting each other, etc. Is this normal? How should I be handling this?

A: First of all, good for you for taking the first step of actually WANTING to do something about this. Let me begin by saying any parent reading this with kids this age is saying, "Yep. Amen to that." The reason is, you're not alone. This is all normal behavior for kids this age. Except for me, because I'm perfect. But I digress.

You may want to try tactics used in my family (on my younger AND older siblings). For example, when my 6 year old brother argues with another sibling, mom and dad give him a strike. If he gets 3, then he has to go to bed early. Hit them where it hurts you know...not many kids want to go to bed early. If they are hitting each other, however, you need to call in the big guns and put them in their bedroom right away (unless there's blood or broken bones, then you need to deal with that first!). Don't forget to make them say they are sorry BEFORE you send them to their room. This makes the victim feel better!

If, on the other hand, my older brothers (9 and 11) argue or tattle, they get an instant job on the spot. This works like a charm, especially for boys, because they HATE work. We girls, on the other hand love organizing and cleaning, so you'll have to think of something different. I can't offer you help on this, as I would betray my sisterhood. If they hit each other, they get the same treatment as my younger brother, but they also get an extra 2 jobs on the spot.

Stay with it Beatrice; keep fighting the good fight. Consistency will see your children through to adulthood in one piece.

Question from my Nana

Q: Two things I would love to know: What do you like about your father? And does he ever drive you crazy?

A: Nana, this smells like a trick question.

So here goes nothing. I like that my father writes these blog posts for me as I dictate them and make him erase every second word. He gets his writing ability from me and is getting better; he is still learning, so be patient. I like that he does pretty much anything I ask. It is amazing how all I have to do is bat my eye lashes when I want a cookie. Sometimes he says no to others but gives me a cookie if I pout. I have more tricks up my sleeve, it's hilarious. Anyway, as for things that he does that drive me crazy, I'd have to say when he tries to check on me when I am doing things. Like who does he think he is? I was helping my brothers sell hockey tickets the other day and actually had to tell dad to zip it when he said, "how are you doing, sweetheart?" How embarrassing! Or the other day when he dropped me off at Kindergarten and stood there for about 5 minutes just watching me run the class; I almost told him to stand in the corner, but I knew that he would just be confused.

Other than that, we have a pretty normal relationship, and he is the most important man in my life for now, but he is dispensable. Ha Ha!

From "Mr. Hamilton"

OK, so I got this message in my inbox from a Mr. Hamilton, who wants me to invest in a business with him in my country. Aw, that is so sweet, but unfortunately, I am only 4 years old...bankers won't take me seriously. So I thought I'd share his message with you and break it down in case he writes you too (don't hold your breath, he seems adamant that he wants ME to invest).

Here's the message:

"I am a foreign Investor, I want to invest in your country and I am writting to seek your assistance in starting a business investment in your country and execute a business plan that will benefit me and you. If you can assist me in investing my money in your country on a business investment you can manage please e-mail me with your telephone number so I can explain to you more better and give you further information. My E-mail is - frankhamiltons@msn.com"

Here's the breakdown:

I am a foreign investor...Yes, and I am Barbie. Nice to meet you. But you should never preface any paragraph with those words. Two things wrong here: 1) you are foreign, so why would you ever want me to help you with an investment? You're FOREIGN. Before the Canadian cops ever get to you, they have to swim oceans and stuff. You'll be off with my allowance like a mad hatter. 2) you are an investor. Enough said.

I want to invest in your country...Yes, and I am equally happy that you want to invest in my country and I in yours and...GIVE ME A BREAK!! You don't want to invest in my country, you want to invest in my allowance. Ain't no way your getting my bubblegum money. Swim as many oceans as you want pal; and don't insult my country, there are lots of bubblegum chewers over here - you'd be seriously outnumbered. Why don't you invest in a real job or an honest living...that's the only way to pay for Hubba Bubba.

I am writting to seek your assistance in starting a business investment in your country...really, you should hear yourself. Did you read this before you clicked SEND? You can't even spell "writing"...you're probably younger than me for all I know! And where would I ever get enough capitol to help you start on our glorious adventure? It would never work anyway; I only invest in gum, Barbie dolls, and hair clips. Get over it.

...that will benefit me and you. Take the you, and, will, that, and benefit out of that sentence and what do you have left? That's right spammer, in case you can't follow process of elimination, it says YOU. YOU would take my bubblegum money and YOU wouldn't care. That's how pathetic this whole charade is...you'd take money from a 4 year old. What about my future? What about all the dresses I will need in life? What about my education as a lawyer so I can stop people trying to invest in nothing?

If you can assist me in investing my money in your country on a business investment you can manage...Holy cow, you are a hoser. You sound like dad trying to win an argument against mom. Sales pitch lesson from a 4 year old #1: make me believe you.

Please e-mail me with your telephone number so I can explain to you more better and give you further information. While I'm at it Frank, why don't I send you the whole phonebook? Would that help you Frank? I am here for you my brother from another mother. I would like to include my social insurance number, my diary, safety deposit box key, and my package of Hubba Bubba...just in case you lose the phone book. Hopefully that will make you realize just how committed I am to this venture. Frank, I won't let you down.

My E-mail is - frankhamiltons@msn.com. Yep, and mine is iamasuckertakeallmygummoney@totallyhereforyoufrank.com

Wierdo.

Question from Rob

Q: Alyssa, what are your top ten pet peeves?

A: Yes! You people are getting to know me! Here are my top ten pet peeves:

1. Line ups
2. Unsweetened anything
3. Old bitties who are old and bitty
4. Slow people
5. Non brand name dolls
6. Someone else's birthday party
7. Anything less than first place
8. Cold hockey rinks
9. Diego (copy cat)
10. Oprah Winfrey (she doesn't know me yet)

Question from Anonymous

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: Well, this is not an advice-based question, but I'll entertain it anyway! First of all, thank you for the compliment. The fact remains, however, that I am 4 years old. To a 1 year old, I am already a grownup. So to answer your compliment, I'd have to say that for my entire life, I've wanted to be a kid. I kind of missed that boat, you know what I mean? I went from zero to grownup. It's been like a curse! Even my own parents turn to me for wisdom. Mom always tells me to give some of my brains to my dad...and dad always tells me that I am a smart alec like my mother. They are both full of wisdom too I guess. Anyway, if you're referring to what I want to do when I get bigger..I pretty much want to run my own business. I am good at sales. I took my brother's hockey tickets door-to-door the other night and sold half of them myself!! By the way...are you a grown up? Are you doing what you want to do?

Question from my Dad!

Q: "Alyssa, what is your favorite part about being a sister? And what advice would you give to sisters around the world looking to better themselves?"

A: Dear Dad, since I have 3 brothers and no other sisters, I would have to say being the only one is the best part. If my brothers had more sisters bossing them around, then I'd only have at least 1/2 of my requests satisfied (if not more, horror of horrors). Then where would that get me, huh? Seriously though, if you want to be a better sister, be a brother sometime first. Then you'll realize how far down the sibling ladder you are, and, trust me Dad, it's no fun being anywhere below the top. So once you truly see what it's like to be a sister (and the only one if you are lucky) you'll realize that you can't really get much better than that! Oh yeah, you can always do the normal things, like share and treat others as you would have them treat you (except your brothers!). Sisters rock!

Bedtime, Way Better than Obama

So there I was scouring the Internet looking for the latest news and I came across some news articles reporting that Sarah Palin's (senator John McCain's presumptive Republican vice presidential nominee in the 2008 United States presidential election) 16 year old daughter, Bristol, might possibly be pregnant.

People of earth...what does this remotely have to do with the way America needs to be run? Aside from the fact that even this child might be able to beat both presidential candidates? I mean seriously, if the state of the union rests on the latest dirt that can be found on any given politician, then New Orleans is sinking man and I don't wanna swim.

They should vote for me; because then America would be filled with light sarcasm, not this political news dripping with Entertainment Tonight. But I digress. I'm only 4 years old, what do I know?

Really people, if you're that desperate for entertainment, come to my house and watch us all during our bedtime routine. You'd be saying, "Barack who?"

Marco Polo Land Camping, etc.

I've been camping with my family for a few days. We slept in a trailer like Barack Obama's campaign bus! It's actually my Uncle Dean's trailer. It is much better than a tent. The only thing I didn't like about camping was the mosquitos, chilly nights, dirty feet, drops of rain, no milk one morning for breakfast, not winning at chocolate bar bingo, my brother Evan hogging the Nintendo Gamecube and DVD player, dad's second attempt at the campfire, the cold wind at the Lake of Shining Waters, a loud baby crying for an hour one night, the bouncy tent gang that were all way older than me so I couldn't bounce very much, and the arcade in the basement that we couldn't go in because we didn't have enough money (read my previous post about money...same thing!). Other than all that, it was a pretty good time. A typical MacKinnon vacation... hurricane Gustav style! Just like today when we went to Zellers to buy shoes for back to school. You should have seen the look on mom and dad's faces when we were leaving the store, especially when dad wanted to buy 35 boxes of Kraft Dinner so he could save $29.05! What a fiasco.

Anyway, we're going back to school soon and I am starting Kindergarten with my brother. I told mom he is not sitting with me and my friends Cristy-Ann and Anna. Mom insists on telling me that it is OK if he sits with us. I can't wait until she leaves us there the first day. I am going to be so Evanless it's not funny! Well, that's it for today my peeps. Until the next post...keep your chin up and your stick on the ice. My brother Dylan wanted me to write that. He really likes the Ottawa Senators.

Money

I went to Tim Hortons today with dad. I asked him if I could put some of his change in the dish to help kids go to camp. Then I asked him why they need money. Why can't they just GO to camp? Well dad started talking like a grandfather and lost me instantly. I picked up a part about people needing money to live or something like that. He says everyone in Tim Hortons makes money so they can afford food, housing, and I bet even Barbie cars too. I have one question for the person that invented money...WHAT ARE YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING?

Why should anyone have to trade metal coins or bills just to go to camp? Here's a concept for you...just GO to camp and forget about the money. Dad always pays money for food at the Save Easy and the Superstore and Sobeys and Walmart. Why can't he just pick up his stuff and leave? Those lines just hold him up. He's a patient dad though, but that's beside the point.

Dad says he'll soon be giving me money for allowance like my big brothers. But I don't get it. He can get money out of the bank anytime, can't he? Just go to the bank people!! If anyone reading this needs money, there are several banks that will give it to you. If you live out of town, then you'll have to find a way in; sorry, can't help you there.

Anyway, when I grow up I'm going to print my own money. Why hasn't anyone thought of that? Hello CNN ???

DUH...

La-di-da Day

It's Sunday today. And the Olympic Games in Beijing, China are well under way. I watched some of the opening ceremonies with my dad the other night. He said they were the best he has ever seen. He also says that Beijing is a 2.5 hour flight from where I was born in the province of Hunan. If you do a search on Google, you'll find all kinds of links for the Olympics. Also, people on Facebook are going crazy over the Olympics, starting lots of groups, etc. And have you seen the Olympic Babies?!! They are so cute! My brother really loves them

You can see the Olympic Mascots here: http://en.beijing2008.cn/spirit/beijing2008/graphic/n214068254.shtml

Anyway, I just thought I'd show you them because my brother really wants on the computer, so if I show him them while I am writing this, then he will go away. There, he's gone. I am a genius :)

Today mom and dad are taking us to a park and then we are having supper with the Stewarts. I will write more soon! :)

Alyssa Li.

PS: some of my brother's favorite Websites include: Webkinz, YouTube, Club Penguin, Spiderman, and Transformers.

Shining Waters

Today we are going to the Lake of Shining Waters in Cavendish. It is full of water-slides and ice cream. My brother calls ice-cream "Bin-shee-lin". But I think that ice-cream sounds more yummy. Bin-shee-lin sounds more like ice-cream with spicy sauce on it. Oh, well...to each his own. Anyway, the only problem about today's trip to Cavendish is the RAIN. I don't know where you live, but it has been raining here in Prince Edward Island since I was born. Yesterday it was sunny for a while, and it felt like heaven. I went on the Harbor Hippo with mom because it was her birthday. Dad said she is halfway to 70. I don't know what that means, but mom said, "Very funny".

So back to today, if the rain doesn't stop until after Shining Waters I'm going to have a conversation with the rainmakers and tell them that we've had about enough...it's not funny anymore...jokes over rainmakers. How would they like it if I sent rain on their rain? Or even better, some ketchup too? I bet they'd never find enough French Fries (not even in PEI) to turn their lemon-ketchup-rain into lemonade-ketchup rain (I hope I don't have to really do that though, because we don't have enough ketchup either. But I bet we could scrape enough off my brothers plate after supper. Dad says he uses way too much). Anyway, I'm supposed to go back to my cousin's for a BBQ after Shining Waters, so hopefully the rainmakers heard my ketchup rant enough to think I might be serious.

When life hands you lemons or tomatoes, turn it into lemonade and ketchup. But never, under any circumstances, should you EVER eat spicy-sauce ice-cream. Bleck.

Have a good day everyone.

My Cousin Lauren

I just wanted to write about my cousin, Lauren. She is a very nice person and friend. She always calls me on the phone to see what I am up to; even when we're not able to visit each other. She is 11 years old and I am only 4. That's like someone who is 109 years old hanging around with someone who is under 100. Although, I don't think they'd play with Barbies and run around outside. It would be funny to watch them try though. Especially in the dark! But I'd have to have my brother's night-vision goggles on. My brother only has one pair, so if Lauren was there we'd have to share. I find it easier to share with her than with my 3 brothers. That's like pulling adult teeth from a baby.

Anyway, Lauren is my best friend and I think that she should invite me for lots of overnights ;)

The Middle of Summer

How, now, did we ever make it this far into a beautiful PEI summer? We are so far in that I heard daddy talking with someone at the mall yesterday about back to school shopping. Didn't my brothers just leave school? Boy, we have done so much since then. We adopted a new brother and even went to a beach in a place that I can't pronouce. I think it rhymes with Shmustico or some silly name like that. I think one of my blogstalkers lives near there...Karen the woman daddy says is married to a cool farmer. They sound like a cool family, maybe I'll meet them someday ;)

My new brother is learning lots of English words. My favorite cousin Lauren plays with me all the time, and we're going to a family party this afternoon. We are all bringing water guns. Now I have to go because daddy wants me to help him cut the grass. I don't actually cut it, I just follow him from the front yard to the back yard, smiling, so he thinks I am helping him. HA HA, jokes on him :)

Blue Goo Face

What’s your favorite kind of ice-cream? Mine is Blue Goo from Buzzy’s Dairy Bar. When daddy says we’re going to Buzzy’s for ice-cream, it’s the same as someone telling daddy that they just bought and installed an outside, in-ground hot tub for him!! This happened just last night. Not the hot tub, the ice-cream.

But I don’t like Blue Goo ice-cream when someone is trying to parent me through sarcasm towards my daddy, just after he tells me not to do something. For example, I love hanging off the counter at Buzzy’s, it has this really neat ledge that I can grip perfectly. I can hang almost all the way upside down. For some reason, which I’ll never understand, daddy told me not to do this. He tells me this every time I go, so now I just get down and do something else really neat.

But last night after he told me to get down, this lady behind him said, “Oh, doesn’t daddy know that little girls like to climb?” And then she smiled at daddy. I must tell you that I’ve never felt so empowered! Perhaps this lady should have been there the first time I tried this, then I could have been hanging off the ledge all along! But daddy’s half-smile back at her almost looked like he wasn’t in agreement with her. Strange. Or so I thought.

So daddy ordered my brother a caramel ice-cream, which was as tall as the tree in our front yard. But when mine came to the window, it was only half as big. What in the name of time is wrong with this picture? Guess who knew…? Yes…the lady behind daddy! She was like an angel from the clouds, because she said, “Hmmm, that doesn’t seem very fair now does it?” Praise whoever! What a saint! Although, daddy seemed to have a different opinion because his half smile was gone now, it was more like a full no-smile. So then daddy explained, “Alyssa, honey, the last time we came here the sun melted your ice-cream too quickly. So we’re saving a big mess by getting you an ice-cream this big.” Mmmm. Whatever.

Then the lady, moving closer to me, says, “Oh, nothing a little napkin won’t clean up.” And then she smiled even bigger this time. And all of a sudden the lady had ice-cream on her face. No, I’m just kidding, but daddy quickly passed me the ice-cream and didn’t respond to her, so I think he really wanted to smoosh it on her face, but he’s not like that, really.

Anyway, I finished my ice-cream and some of it did melt on my hands and shirt. And I learned a great lesson today. If someone starts trying to talk to your parents through you, just ignore them…perhaps your daddy will buy you a FULL sized ice-cream.

Oh, and if the lady is reading this. I'm only 4 years old, so I really don't know what I'm talking about. It's all guess work.

Sleepy Heads

Think of a time when you were totally and utterly disoriented. Don't read below until you have a time.

It likely took you a few seconds (or more) to think of a time, right? Well this happens to me all the time. Especially when I'm waking up. It doesn't matter where I am or who is there when I fall asleep or who is there when I wake up...for the life of me I have no idea about ANYTHING when I wake up.

If someone doesn't wake me up, then I slowly wake up myself and I'm fine after a few seconds. And it's not so bad when dad wakes me up because I can hear him and he just waits for me to come around. But mom is always in a rush so she doesn't have time to wait for me to wake up. And let me tell you, man oh man when my mother or brothers wake me up I swear to you I have no idea who I am, where I am, why I am, or how I got here. It's really scary sometimes! I look left, right, up, down, at the person waking me up, past the person waking me up, and I even try to look at myself. It's like I'm being born as an alien and another alien is standing in front of me talking alien language. And it's SO WIERD when they turn into English speaking mothers and brothers again. What's even worse, my father always laughs at me, which makes me even more scared and paranoid! My mother usually just says something loud or fast and starts pulling me out of my car seat or bed or couch or whatever. And I'm ZOOED.

If you are a mother or a brother or father reading this, would you mind taking the time to use an alien translator or something before you wake up your daughter or sister? How would you like it if a space creature came in and made you freak out?

A little consideration goes a long way. 'Cause then I won't jump on YOU in your bed before 7:00AM on Saturday morning.

;)

Cows and War

So last night mom tells me that I have to take a bath with my brother. OK...two things wrong with this: 1) He's a boy 2) He's got dirt all over him. So I try to explain to mom that there's NO WAY I am getting in that tub with him. I look at her and say, "Mooooooooom."
And she says, "Yes?"
And I explain very clearly, "I don't want to get a bath with HIM!"
To which she replies, "Well that's too bad; I'm not wasting all that water and I don't have the time to bathe the two of you separately."
OK...two things wrong with this: 1) My mom clearly didn't extrapolate properly when I said that I didn't want to bathe with him 2) I've got all the time in the world.

Anyway, so mom starts filling the tub and my brother jumps in as soon as she touches the stupid tap, and then she tells me to get in. At this point I am feeling like a cow being led to the place where they get turned into hamburgers, and the guy that works there is smiling at me as if I'm already a hamburger. You know the feeling...you're cornered! So I know there's no use in arguing with mom, because I'll just get turned into a hamburger anyway.

I'm now in the tub and my brother takes ALL the toys, including my Dora The Explorer squeezy water toy. THIS IS WAR, MAN. But I try to remain civil and take it from him using both of my hands, and he gets mad at me and throws it at my face. This is unbelievable. I'm turned into a hamburger AND humiliated at the same time. Thank goodness daddy came in and told him that he is not supposed to do that. Eventually, my brother gave up and said he wanted out of the tub. Works for me!!

At any rate...I highly recommend sitting down with your mom to plan out separate bath times. That way, you avoid becoming a hamburger, and Dora The Explorer stays with you.

War avoided.

New Brothers

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while...my parents went to China and brought home a new brother. His name is Evan (otherwise known as the kid who acts like he has lived here longer than me; and also that he's mommy's favorite). He can't speak English and I can 't speak Chinese...and he keeps looking at me like I am broken or something! Anyway, I don't know what to make of him yet, he keeps taking all of my Barbies and pushing me whenever he gets a chance. I am not going to retaliate yet, because what if he's planning on taking over Canada? If I stay on his good side, I can broad-side him after he's done. That way, he won't see it coming. For now I think I'll stay under the radar like my older brothers; they seem to think he's like a new puppy or something. I think he's cute, but he certainly lacks in playfulness and personality.

If you have any new brothers or sisters coming from far away, you might want to lock your Barbies away for a while and buy a puppy shock collar. I've heard it's a safe way to train your brother...I mean puppy.

Boys Are So Lucky!

My mom and dad are going on a big trip. They said I can't go, but my big brother can. They said it's not a vacation. When they explain it to me, how come they sound like Charlie Brown's teacher? You know..waah waah waah waah, etc. I don't think it's fair that I can't go. I even tried to tell them that I would be perfect and that they would not even notice that I was there. For some reason, my mom gave me a really weird look and called me sweetheart at the same time. I AM SO CONFUSED! What's the missing link here? I even told her that if I had a daughter I would take HER on a big trip. But she just mumbled something about my tune changing when I did have my daughter. Am I going to sing everything to my daughter? My mom is so good at changing the subject.

I guess if you want to go on a big trip with your parents, you'll have to convince them that you're not the sweetheart that they think you are. Better yet...be born as a boy next time...BOYS ARE SO LUCKY!!!

Walmart

The way I see it, Walmart is just one big place for 4 year olds to get out of the way. Today I went shopping with mom and dad for travel supplies. I have a question for the people that make Walmart: Why on planet earth would you put a rack of sunglasses and bracelets smack in the middle of the main isle? And here's one for old ladies that shop there: Don't you think I can see you a mile away with that stare that tells me I'm in the way??? Get real old ladies. I didn't see any neon signs anywhere saying that you slow pokes have the right of way. SHEESH. And the way they look at you and your parents when all you are doing is looking at bracelets and running around the display. Come on. GET REAL.

I guess if you are going to shop at Walmart, you should accept the fact that old ladies can't stand having to maneuver their carts around skinny little girls that take up 1 twentyeth of the isle ...and Walmart sets it up that way. When I get bigger, I'm going to be the boss of the people that design these places. Then after that, I'll make yellow neon signs saying that 4 year olds have the right of way.

Suckers!

Darth Vader Sucks

I asked my dad to take me for a tricycle ride today. He told me to go get my helmet on, but I said I wasn't going to crash anywhere. He said, "Nobody plans on crashing you know." So in the house he goes to get my helmet. While he was in the house I was dreaming about a day when I wouldn't have to wear a helmet anymore. After all, I looked like stupid pink Darth Vader in mine. When dad came back out I asked him if I could ride the tricycle without the helmet - just this once. He said that it would be OK if I drove my tricycle around in the driveway. Hooray!! Suddenly I was 25 years old...until I felt the tricycle leaning way too far to the left because my sneaker got caught in the peddle. The closer my tricycle and head got to the pavement, the younger I felt.

CRASH!

I hated my dumb sneaker that day, and the look on my dad's face that said, "...see, that Pink Darth Vader helmet doesn't look so bad on you after all."

I guess it's ok to humor your parents when safety trumps humiliation.

Butters

I hate people that butt in. I was standing in the middle of a long line at Subway the other day and this man walks in about 5 people ahead of me and begins chatting nonchalantly to 3 others in the line. When it came time for them to order and the counter attendant asked him if he wanted anything, he puts on this "well, since you're asking, I've got nothing better to do" smile and orders in glee. Well if it was glee, why was I picturing myself pushing his face into the hot peppers? Seriously people, God created lineups for one reason: because counter attendants will cry if everyone places their order at the same time. Next time you consider butting, think about what your friends will say to you at the park if you have hot peppers all over your face.